I hate these last three weeks of school. Just a lot of empty time to fill with endless amounts of study material limited by my lack of brain capacity & motivation. So…. it’s like…… what do I do with myself and all this stuff….and….what happened to the days….and the time…..a lot of it just passed quietly. And… I…. am …listless….and lost without a plan and without a strict schedule. And. I. fucking. hate. this. I just sit at my desk. for hours. and days. and do this. look at that. make flashcards. type up outlines. stare at the wall. I don’t even know if half this stuff will help me. I have been walking around blindly for a week. And on Monday, I will walk blindly into an exam room and ultimately, what I know and what raw materials I possess will be my best tools. And then after that, maybe I will understand the bigger picture and be able to carve structure into all this empty, lost time…..
what am I even talking about? this is miserable. Why did I sign up for this? First semester sucks. I’ve been walking around blindly all semester really. Nothing makes sense. nothing.
It’s really easy to immerse yourself in brain work when you are so profoundly depressed about the emotional aspects of your life.
At least if I get good final exam grades, I’ll have something to show for the past few months.
I Grieve & Feel Some Quiet Remorse
I swam within your veins
bringing life to your heart
now you pierce them
to drain me out
I guess I